2020 = Forty
This year I will be turning the infamous 40 years old. I’m not scared of the age or fearful of getting older, but I have wondered if this is who and where I wanted to be. I always want to grow and better myself, so I am always going to want to improve who I am and where I’m at. What I am talking about is more of an internal audit. What are the things that make me, me? And do those characteristics still exist, and to what extent?
To be perfectly honest with you right out of the gate, I have absolutely no idea who I am anymore. This is the pain of progress, or maybe age and wisdom, or lack thereof. I am more than happy with what I am and consider myself extremely blessed to live the life that I do. I’m a good husband, a great father, a decent and caring person, but that’s not who I am. I was once a wild, charismatic smartass with a fearless approach to just about everything. I’m not sure if that is who I am anymore. I’m not sure if I want it to be.
About five years ago, I started to make changes in my life that needed to be made. The problem with making positive changes is that sometimes we tend to start changing everything. It’s almost like we get a chance to reinvent ourselves. At least that’s what it felt like for me. I left the city I had been in for more than a decade. I left a career I had been in for almost two decades. The entire circle of friends and relationships I had all changed. So much of what I was doing seemed like blind ambition. All I knew is that I wanted to change, I wanted to get healthy, and I wanted to help other people do the same.
I had a lot of struggles in my life leading up to that time, and during that time as well. I don’t want to talk to you about those issues though, or even the way I overcame them. What I’m experiencing now, is the “now what?” It’s what I would have used to call the lull in the fight. But this has been a long lull, and for the first the time, I have the time to take a good look at myself. When you’re in a constant struggle, you feel like you’re always looking at yourself and analyzing what needs to happen or needs to change. It’s a sick pattern of making blind adjustments while avoiding the real issues. If you’re lucky, you’ll break the cycle and hopefully figure it out. But in all those struggles you’re not really looking at you. You’re looking at all the things that you think you need to change and those are often external ones. Usually, it means friends or jobs, or relationships. Sometimes, that means everything and that’s okay. But, when you finally get to a point where you’re good, to where the struggles are few and far between, you start to ask yourself, “wait, who am I?”
What is real?
Now, that I find myself without real struggle, this becomes mine. I often find myself asking the hard question, “do I like who I am?” Is this my narrative of always being in a struggle that I have to create one to feel a sense of normalcy? The mind can be a twisted place. I think that when we aren’t happy with where we are in life and we want all these positive changes to happen, we tend to become chameleons in our behavior. We try to blend into our new surroundings. Maybe it’s because we think that’s how we should act, or maybe it’s because we don’t want people to see that we don’t belong. Either way, I think we tend to lose a piece of ourselves in progress.
This is why in 2020, my only resolution is to be 100% authentically ME. I’ve realized that I have finally reached a point in my life through a lot of hard work and effort that I can now focus on me. Not fixing me, not changing me, just being me. When you and your life are a constant shit show, it’s difficult to be a goofy and humorous person. It’s hard to be carefree and optimistic, even if that’s who you truly are. I want to find out if those where habits I used to mask the pain, or characteristics that were lost along the way. I intend to let down all guards and just try and live an authentic and genuine life this year. One from the inside out.
I still think I need a struggle or as David Goggins says, “need to suffer.” (Psycho). But, I’m trying to substantiate that need through a positive goal that will push me further both mentally and physically than I ever have before. Checkout next week’s blog and I’ll tell you about the IRONMAN.